(Sorry guys, the video's down. I'm looking for an other.)
If you wonder why women don’t make a move on guys, or why they can often be flakey and fickle, this video illustrates an issue that a lot of guys aren’t fully aware of. As a dating coach, I tell guys that they need to make bold moves to get the women they desire, but for women, often their bold move is simply saying yes to your advances. We should respect that.
Instead of imagining you had to date Bear-Lions, as Louis describes, I think it’s better to imagine you went to the bar with $10,000 in your pocket, and everyone knew you had it. How would you react differently to people coming up to you unsolicited? How would you react to people who asked you to leave the bar with them, or who wanted your number so they could meet up next week? How would you be put off by people who seemed to have agendas, or were over-eager, or were nervous and staring at you?
It’s not a perfect analogy, but it might give you a better idea of why women often have barriers up, why they can be flakey (even if they seem to like you), and why they hang around in gaggles of girls that mess your game up. Women need to feel safe as a basic prerequisite before your game can even start. Make her feel unsafe and boom, you’re done.
This is basically what comfort is all about – dealing with a woman’s natural and understandable need to feel safe. At the beginning of the interaction, good body-language, social proof, approaching her when she’s not alone, and not hesitating are all crucial to creating and keeping enough comfort to get the interaction off the ground and avoid creepy-vibe.
Later on, comfort is about showing your character, and becoming a 3 dimensional guy that she can actually relate to. If you’re going to get a woman’s phone number and get her out on a date, you need to anticipate that she’s going to feel a bit uncomfortable in a few days time when it’s time to meet up again – even if she feels perfectly comfortable and attracted in the moment.
And always, remember, she’s putting herself out there to be with you. That’s a good thing.
Update: It has been pointed out to me that Louis CK gets his facts a bit wrong, and men actually aren’t the biggest threat to women http://www.cdc.gov/women/lcod/2009/09_all_women.pdf. Still, this doesn’t change the importance of the advice above.
If you want to learn more about building comfort, Cajun, Prestige and I have an awesome interview series that covers the basics.