Louis CK on why you need to build Comfort

(Sorry guys, the video's down. I'm looking for an other.)

If you wonder why women don’t make a move on guys, or why they can often be flakey and fickle, this video illustrates an issue that a lot of guys aren’t fully aware of. As a dating coach, I tell guys that they need to make bold moves to get the women they desire, but for women, often their bold move is simply saying yes to your advances. We should respect that.

Instead of imagining you had to date Bear-Lions, as Louis describes, I think it’s better to imagine you went to the bar with $10,000 in your pocket, and everyone knew you had it. How would you react differently to people coming up to you unsolicited? How would you react to people who asked you to leave the bar with them, or who wanted your number so they could meet up next week? How would you be put off by people who seemed to have agendas, or were over-eager, or were nervous and staring at you?

It’s not a perfect analogy, but it might give you a better idea of why women often have barriers up, why they can be flakey (even if they seem to like you), and why they hang around in gaggles of girls that mess your game up. Women need to feel safe as a basic prerequisite before your game can even start. Make her feel unsafe and boom, you’re done.

This is basically what comfort is all about – dealing with a woman’s natural and understandable need to feel safe. At the beginning of the interaction, good body-language, social proof, approaching her when she’s not alone, and not hesitating are all crucial to creating and keeping enough comfort to get the interaction off the ground and avoid creepy-vibe.

Later on, comfort is about showing your character, and becoming a 3 dimensional guy that she can actually relate to. If you’re going to get a woman’s phone number and get her out on a date, you need to anticipate that she’s going to feel a bit uncomfortable in a few days time when it’s time to meet up again – even if she feels perfectly comfortable and attracted in the moment.

And always, remember, she’s putting herself out there to be with you. That’s a good thing.

Update: It has been pointed out to me that Louis CK gets his facts a bit wrong, and men actually aren’t the biggest threat to women http://www.cdc.gov/women/lcod/2009/09_all_women.pdf. Still, this doesn’t change the importance of the advice above.

If you want to learn more about building comfort, Cajun, Prestige and I have an awesome interview series that covers the basics. 

About Chris Shepherd

Chris Shepherd is a dating coach operating out of Montreal. He is a founder of Love Systems, the world's largest dating coaching company for men. He likes Led Zeppelin, greek philosophy and Hemingway, and hates bad dates, mediocrity and douchebags. He recommends the book Magic Bullets for men who want to improve their success with women.


  1. “approaching her when she’s not alone”

    You have no idea what you are talking about.

    • In a bar, approaching a woman when she’s with her friends usually works better than when she’s alone. When she’s alone, she’s usually less comfortable, and usually her friend arrives 2 minutes into your conversation anyways.

      • I’ve had no problem with meeting women alone. Of course, this is done in the context of a bar. She’s not in danger in a bar (assuming she doesn’t get drunk or ruffied), and there are ways to avoid those dangers. Excluding those possibilities, the only way a man will be a danger to her is if he physically picks her up and carries her out of the bar (and nobody does anything to help her). I find that women who are alone at the bar are often happy to have someone sit down next to them and start a conversation. I could understand that a woman would be fearful if I met her on the street at night.

      • Given the choice between talking to a woman alone or in two/group situation, the one-on-one scenario is always preferable. In fact managing your time by only talking to girls when they are alone is a key aspect of daygame. If you can’t get them alone in a bar, you are better off going to a coffee shop or something in the daytime.

        Women alone in a bar are usually happy to speak to a polite person. And they are a hell of a lot more receptive then when you speak to them when they are in a two or group situation.

        So what if her friend arrives two minutes later? ‘Hey, this has been fun, my buddy and I need to run too, and I’ll leave you to your friend, but lets meet for a coffee sometime…’

        • Cad – you’re straight up wrong. If you have the choice between a two-set, and a girl who is standing alone, you’ll get a better result from the two set 9 times out of ten, if your game is alright. This applies to busy bars/clubs. Happy Hours, restaurants and daygame is different.

          The fact is, women are almost never alone at a busy bar. They go to the bathroom together, they go to the bar together, they spend all their time together. If you can’t manage groups properly, you’re SEVERELY limiting the number of women you can approach.

  2. c00kiecutter says:

    This really depends a lot on the situation. Some girls hang out alone or a bit detached from the group because they want to be approached. Others are maybe just waiting for their friends to come back, or whatever. But rest assured that most people prefer being in company to standing there with nothing to do. It’s a perfect opportunity to talk to a girl, because she has literally nothing better to do at the moment.

    I also enjoy to groups (of girls) a lot, because most of the time you can just join an existing conversation, which is always fun and more likely leads to different topics than your usual ones.

    I’m pretty unhappy about the analogy and other things in this article as well, but I do obviously agree on the main idea: it’s important to make a girl feel comfortable.

    Good luck on your way to understanding women. :)

  3. how can you only apporach her in a group if you suck at a group approach? It’s already hard to approach one, let alone two.

    • How do you do anything when you don’t already know how to do it? Practice! Seriously, practicing opening sets will lead to much better outcomes if you practice on small and medium sized groups.

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