In March, I talked about “The Power of Makeup” and exposed how powerful makeup can be in changing the way men perceive female beauty, and how limiting beliefs around beauty can hold men back from dating the women they like, and from liking the women they date.
But illusions about beauty cut both ways. A lot of guys suffer from limiting beliefs about their own attractiveness, and what it means to be an attractive man. These beliefs can hold you back from taking action and meeting the kinds of women you desire. When a guy is experiencing approach anxiety, or when he finds himself in the friend zone over and over, or when he finds himself jealous of the success of other men, the root cause is often limiting beliefs about his own attractiveness to the opposite sex.
The first (but by no means the only) limiting belief that holds men back is the idea that attractiveness is a fixed property, something coded into your genes, that you can’t change. The idea is that you have to live with the hand you’ve been dealt, and efforts to change things are futile.
Now, I’m not going to go so far to say that there isn’t a genetic component, or that some people don’t have it easier than others, but my experience has shown me that even if we take into consideration ONLY the visible, physical elements of attraction (and leave aside game entirely), 80% of physical attractiveness comes down to factors that are under your control.
Attractiveness is about being fit, taking care of yourself, expressing a positive energy, it’s about confidence and style and health. These are all things that you can influence through diet and exercise and working on yourself psychologically.
As an illustration, I found a great collection of photos of celebrities photoshopped to look like ordinary people.
Here’s a great one of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Notice what they’ve done to bring Brad down to earth. The face is the same, but give him a polyester shirt, a ratty, unkempt beard, a few extra pounds to his face, and mournful, downcast eyes, and suddenly he’s gone from being the sexiest man on earth to being a line cook at your local Denny’s. Even his perfect genetics don’t save him from the ignominy of bad fashion and lifestyle choices. The 10 has become a 4.
On the flipside, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys go from plain or worse to being the kind of guy that gets easy attraction thanks to his looks. It’s not easy, you need style, diet and exercise, but when those factors all come together properly, a plain-looking guy can easily move himself up several leagues in the dating scene.
Do looks really matter?
I get asked this question a lot, so I might as well answer it here. The answer is unquestionably yes. Looks matter. But in the end, looks (especially the genetic component) are neither necessary, nor sufficient to get attraction or to be good with women. There are good-looking guys out there with absolutely no game, and they get no results, and there are some pretty ugly dudes out there who kick ass. That said, anyone who isn’t taking reasonable efforts to maximize the value of looks is passing up an easy opportunity to get more enjoyment out of life, and more success with women.
So what do you do to improve the way you look?
- Fix your posture. Your lifestyle leaves marks on your body, and one of the ways it does this is through your posture. People who spend all their time in front of a computer or at a desk often develop a bad posture that makes them look downtrodden and unhealthy. Check out my blog post on improving your posture for tips.
- Improve your style. Your clothes communicate a lot about you, and if you don’t know what you’re communicating, your probably communicating cluelessness. You don’t need to blow a lot of money trying to convey status, but you should pay attention to the way you dress to communicate confidence, intelligence and a bit of social savvy. StyleForum or the Male Fashion Advice Reddit are good places to start for guys who are clueless.
- Work out. You don’t need to be a bodybuilder, or be buffed, but regular exercise is the key to being healthy, and being healthy is the key to looking good. My post Ten Fitness tips that will Really Change You has some good fitness advice and links for a beginner. Also check out Reddit Fitness for a basic info source.
- Eat Healthy. The average American has a terrible diet, and this is the major cause of obesity, bad skin, low energy, and probably contributes to depression and low self-esteem in many people. My principle is that if I can’t tell what plant or animal it came from, it’s probably not good for me.
- Work on your Body Language: The way you carry yourself is more important than you think. Love Systems has some awesome body language resources. Here are a bunch of body language videos done by some top Love Systems instructors. You can also check out our Beyond Words product, which has some awesome reviews at the Attraction Forums.
- Work on your beliefs: Even if you’re a good-looking guy, women probably aren’t going to be throwing themselves at you, or walking up to you and giving you compliments out of the blue. That just isn’t the way it works, usually. Even good-looking guys need to take the initiative, approach, and move the interaction forward. It’s not enough to just BE good-looking – you have to FEEL good-looking and act with the attitude and beliefs of a guy who is desirable to women. Once you have that attitude, and communicate it, the complements start rolling in.