How Many Times Should You Text?

Here’s a question that comes up a lot. You meet a girl somewhere, have a bit of chemistry, and get her number. You text her once, and she doesn’t reply. So now you face the dilemma – How many times should you text her before you give up?

The first thing you need to realize is that a lot of women simply don’t reply to the first text. If she’s read The Rules, or Cosmo, or is taking dating advice from her single friends, there’s a very good chance that even if she likes you, she will not reply to that first text. Women have game too, and some of them have bad game.

Women have game too, and some of them have bad game.

Playing games on the phone is typical woman-game, and it sort of makes sense. If you want to filter for men who really like you, and for men who are confident and secure in themselves, not replying to the first text might be a good strategy. Guys who are cool and confident will text you the next day, and guys who are insecure or not really that into you will get whiney or just give up.

Text number two is what separates the boys from the men. I wrote a little article earlier on what to text a girl that goes into a bit of the content. Text number two should generally be a day after the first text (which you should usually send the night you get her number). I find that most women reply to the second text – as long as it’s good.

You’ve texted her twice. How many times should you text her again?

The third text is the charm!

If she doesn’t reply to the second text, wait a bit longer, and try for a third time. Don’t worry, she’s not going to call the police and get a restraining order against you for sending her three texts. It’s persistent, but well short of stalker territory (you can even try more if you like), and if you’re using my strategy of painting scenes, you’re not going to look too desperate. Just make sure the later texts are well spaced out, and don’t make them needy. In order to not seem needy, never text because you’re bored, or because you want a reaction. Text her only because you have something to say that she wants to hear!

If you’re going to text a woman more than two times, you want to make sure to mix up your strategies. Don’t just invite her out three times, or ask her questions three times, or tell her something about yourself three times. Instead you ask a question, if that doesn’t work you paint a scene (from my other post on texting), if that doesn’t work you try an invite, or bragging, or teasing or a joke. If one strategy doesn’t work, ditch it and try another.

Never text because you’re bored, or because you want a reaction. Text her only because you have something to say that she wants to hear!

I’ve also noticed that more attractive and more successful women are worse about texting back than less attractive women. Many of the most attractive women I’ve ever dated were women who didn’t respond to my first two texts, but who finally replied when I sent text number three.

To summarize – you want to send at least three texts, on three different occasions, before you presume she’s flaking on you.

Should I only text?

No! I wrote a blog post about this earlier (Text message game) – and while things have changed since I wrote that post back in 2008, the fact remains that text messaging is a pretty weak way to keep in touch with women. If you can get a woman on the phone, even for only a few minutes (in fact, just a few minutes is usually better than a long conversation), you greatly improve your chances of getting her on a date. With younger women (under 25), I find they’re often reluctant to talk on the phone, but women over the age of 25 really appreciate it. It’s kind of a sad commentary on men in America that just calling a woman on the phone is considered “alpha” behaviour, but it’s true.

Discuss this post at The Attraction Forums.

About Chris Shepherd

Chris Shepherd is a dating coach operating out of Montreal. He is a founder of Love Systems, the world's largest dating coaching company for men. He likes Led Zeppelin, greek philosophy and Hemingway, and hates bad dates, mediocrity and douchebags. He recommends the book Magic Bullets for men who want to improve their success with women.


  1. […] just message her again. I wrote a few posts that will probably be helpful for you: How Many Times Should You Text? and What to text a girl. These two cover most of your questions. The key being… RELAAAAAAAAXXX […]

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