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Six Reasons Why Women Flake on Dates. (And how to deal with it)

You’re excited.

You ought to be excited; you have a date tonight and she’s gorgeous. You got her phone number a few nights ago at the swanky club downtown. At first she seemed intimidating and aloof, but by the end of your conversation she seemed totally into you. You had things in common. She had a good sense of humor. So you called her the next day and made plans to go out tonight.

So now you’re in your apartment, ironing your favorite shirt. You run your hand over your face to make sure you didn’t miss a patch when you shaved a few minutes ago. You can faintly smell last night’s curry wafting in from the kitchen, and you remind yourself to take out the trash.

Your phone buzzes, it’s a text message.

 - Hey! I don’t know if I can make it tonight. Maybe some other time? 

 Ouch! You just got flaked on, and it sucks.

But you shouldn’t worry – flaking is a fact of life for any guy who is putting himself out there and meeting women in everyday life. If you go on more than 5 first dates a year, you’re going to get flaked on once in a while, and knowing how to roll with the punches is something you’ve got to learn.

Why did she flake on me?

There are six main reasons why women flake on dates, and the good news is that only one of them means she doesn’t like you.

1)   Because she had a bad day, and she wants to be in top form for your date.

As a guy, the more I like a woman, the more excited I’m going to be for a date, and the more likely I’m going to show up, even if I’ve had a bad day. Heck, for some women, I would probably rouse myself from a coma, pull out my feeding tube and fight my way out of the intensive care ward if I thought there was a good chance that the date would go well. But most women don’t feel that way. The more they like you, the more likely they’re actually going to bail on a date because they’re having a bad hair day, or just feeling down.

2)   Because she read in Cosmo that you flake on the first plans.

 A woman can learn a lot about a man by flaking on the first set of plans. You can find out how confident he is, and if he’s laid back or needy, by the way he reacts. You can also screen for men who actually like you.  Especially for particularly beautiful women, who get asked out a lot by random guys, flaking on the first set of plans is probably an easy way to filter out the less confident guys from the more confident ones. Now, I’m not sure if it’s Cosmo that advocates this, or The Rules, or if it’s just a tactic spread by word of mouth, but a lot of women seem to flake on the first date as a strategy.

3)   Because it’s that time of the month.

Some women just don’t want to go on dates at certain times of their cycle. This is often the case when a girl flakes and it seems like it’s completely out of the blue.

4)   Because her friends want to hang out.

It would be nice if every woman you scheduled a date with liked you enough that she was willing to ditch her friends to hang out with you, but that’s just not the case. Also, it’s different for women than it is for men. As a guy, if I tell my buddies that I’m ditching them for a hot date with a beautiful woman I met at a bar, I’m probably going to get a high-five. But, if a woman says she’s ditching her girls to go on a date with some dude she met at Sleazerston’s Pickup Bar, she might very well get some attitude from her friends.

5)   Because she doesn’t feel comfortable yet.

Getting a woman to come out on a date with you is usually a matter of feeling comfortable with you, and feeling like the date won’t be awkward or creepy. In order to make her feel comfortable, sometimes you need to take your time and talk to her and build more comfort, even if the attraction is already high.

6)   Because she actually isn’t that into you.

Usually if you have a woman’s number and she’s actually answering the phone and making plans with you in the first place, she is into you. But sometimes that’s not the case. Keep in mind though, this is only ONE of SIX reasons why a woman might be flaking, and it’s not even the most likely one.

So what do you do if a girl flakes?

First, you should treat a casual first date plan as an option, not a priority, so you don’t get too emotionally invested in a date happening at a certain time.

But beyond that, the best way to deal with flaking is to NOT WORRY ABOUT IT. Go on with your life, call your buddies and watch the game, or get some work done. When you talk to her again, let her know that the flake was not a big deal. After all, you’re a busy guy with a lot of stuff to do anyways right? As long as you act relaxed, confident and non-needy, she’s going to actually feel MORE comfortable around you, once you’ve handed this little obstacle properly. If you get needy or whiney or negative in any way, you’re going to KILL attraction and you will probably never get a second chance for a date.

If you liked this post, I have another post entitled “Never treat someone like a priority if they treat you like an option”.

Also, check out my friend Nick Hoss’s article on How to Prevent a Flake. 

And finally, if you are having real problems with flaking, or relating to women over the phone, Braddock’s Phone and Text Game Book is absolutely the BEST guide for building interest with women over the phone.

Chris ShepherdSix Reasons Why Women Flake on Dates. (And how to deal with it)
  • Tillster

    there all good answers why women flake but i have learnt that if you get the women into you they will chase you for a date and if you flake on them it actully gets to them more than it does to us. men really need to stop putting women on pedastools and relax there not aliens lol there humen beings like us men at the end if the day most men feel intimidated buy women specially if there HOT lol but what they dont realize is they dont actully care about looks they want personality someone who can make them laugh and feel good inside if you do that act in control all the time they will take to you they just need to feel comfortable with you to take it to the next step men lead women follow its that simple its like a movie if your the lead role and you have a great charactor whos sexy charming cocky funny she will take the 2nd role and be right into you

  • carlito

    Is thoughtmagnet a woman?

  • http://kennyspuathoughts.wordpress.com/ Socialkenny

    The 1 about being on her period is the biggest reason to flake.

  • http://gravatar.com/briancopy Will

    Great article! I bought your online guide and its worked really well. Would you consider writing an article about serial flakers ie) those who: apologize, reschedule, chat for ages, and flake again for a 3rd and 4th time? Kinda new to online dating and was wondering if this honestly happens, or if this is some female ego trip.

    • http://www.tenmagnet.com/dating-coach/ Chris Shepherd

      Brian – My rule is, first flake, no problem. Second flake, I’ll tease a bit, and the next set of plans I’ll make will be VERY low investment on my part (aka, meet me at my local pub). If she flakes 3 or more times I’ll basically lose interest. And there is a kind of woman, found online, who makes plans and flakes endlessly, while being very charming and making convincing-sounding excuses. I’ve ran into these girls twice and found that they’re pathological liars suffering from some sort of mental illness that makes you get your jollies by pretending to be someone you are not online.

  • Jesse Nelson

    I disagree with the solutions to this problem. If a woman flakes on by all means let her know you aren’t impressed ESPECIALLY if the reason is weak. It’s not showing neediness it’s showing you have self respect and won’t let her play you, but do so in a calm appropriate way. Don’t sound too upset but make it known you value your time.

  • Anon

    Dumb, dumb, dumb. You should enforce your expectations, one of which should be not to flake on meetings for any reason other than a genuinely important commitment which you were courteously notified of days prior. Note the qualifier “genuinely important”.

    • http://www.tenmagnet.com/dating-coach/ Chris Shepherd

      I’ve done that “enforce your expectations” thing. All it does is make you look insecure. Women flake, don’t treat it like a big deal. Seriously, try it.

  • ralph

    This is all crap. Women flake because most men or easy replaceable. They could give a rat’s ass if you get pissed. They have become so powerful because the average single guy is a pushy weak sap. Guyd like this encourage women to flake.

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