Have you ever seen a group of people chattering and laughing and maybe looking at you, and wonder if they’re talking about you? Then, do you wonder whether they’re saying good or bad things about you?

Are you ever talking to a woman, and you say something that could be interpreted the wrong way, and suddenly you feel really awkward and feel the need to explain yourself?

Well, here’s the deal…

It’s called self-consciousness, and it’s a really bad habit.

I was really self-conscious when I started out in the game. I think smart, analytical types fall into self-consciousness a lot easier than others, and as a really analytical guy, I was constantly trying to guess what people thought of me.

It was like I had a mental video camera (or a mirror) pointed at myself, playing back everything I did, so I could make sure I was coming off right. Sometimes, at night, I would sit and play my “tapes” of that day, wondering what I could have done better, or beating myself up over things I said.

Then I turned the camera off, and my life got way better.

As it turns out, that video camera wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do. I used it to try and improve myself, to make people like me, but it didn’t work. It didn’t make me an attractive person, and it didn’t give me good feedback on what others thought of me. In fact, it just messed me up, and getting rid of it was one of the best things I’ve ever done.

At first, though, it seems like the video camera would be a good idea. Self-consciousness is, basically, being concerned about what others think of you, and of how you “come across.” I’ll be the first to agree that how you come across is really, really important. Why wouldn’t having a little mental video camera help you come across better? There are several reasons.

First, people don’t judge you nearly as harshly as you judge yourself. The fact is, 90% of the time when two people meet, each person is thinking “I wonder what [the other] thinks of me, I hope [the other] likes me.” They’re so worried about themselves that they’re not passing judgment.

Think about how often you pass judgment on others; now think of how often you’re worried about others passing judgment on you. Personally, unless someone is being a total idiot or is really awesome, I rarely think much of someone I just met. 95% of people fall into the “yeah, they’re okay” category, and the other 5% is split between “ugh, this person sucks” and “this person is really cool.”

Basically, if you’re concerned about what people think of you, 95% of the time you’re wasting your time.

Second, people actually like others better when they’re showing their flaws and not apologizing for them. You’re better off being “yourself,” saying a few things here or there that are moderately dumb, and handling those mess-ups with grace, than you are trying to be flawless.

Self-conscious people are boring and sterile. They don’t say anything funny or interesting because they’re afraid of saying something wrong. Interesting people are willing to say something wrong here or there, as long as the overall interaction is fun.

Third, that little video camera uses a lot of brain power! I actually used to stutter and run out of things to say when I was self-conscious because I was constantly multi-tasking. Once I took all that brain power I was using to analyze myself and applied it to my conversations, my conversational IQ went up by 20 points in one night. My wit and reaction times went up dramatically once I didn’t have to filter my actions through my self-consciousness filter.

So, how do you deal with self-consciousness? There are a bunch of different strategies, some of which work better for different people. I recommend that anyone who has issues with self-consciousness should try all of these, and find out which works best for you.

The first thing you have to do is realize, logically, that self-consciousness is counterproductive and wrong, and be able to recognize when you’re being self-conscious.

But, convincing your logical brain that self-consciousness doesn’t work is pretty easy compared to teaching and training your subconscious and emotional mind to stop a destructive thought pattern.

The best way to get over self-conscious thoughts is to put yourself in uncomfortable situations and blast your way through. Public speaking is a great way to do this. And of course, meeting women, either during the day or at a bar, is the best way to get over this.

Also, I highly recommend improv classes for eliminating self-consciousness. Next to going out and pushing yourself into meeting women, this is the best thing you can do. Improv classes are pretty much designed to break down self-consciousness. Basically, they involve making a fool of yourself in front of a small group of people who are also making fools of themselves. Oh, and you have to be clever at the same time – it’s pretty tough.

Finally, one thing that worked really well for me was shifting my attention. I took that part of my brain that was trying to guess what people thought of me, and I devoted it to observing how people were reacting. I started focusing on watching a woman’s face, and not speculating about what might be going on in her mind. So if I said, for example, a joke that was a bit rude, and I was worried that I had offended her, I would look into her eyes. If she looked like she was getting offended I would say “aww, Sarah’s so nice, she’s totally offended” to diffuse the situation. If she laughed at the joke, though, I’d just keep going.

This is important because you still need to be conscious of how people perceive you if you want to be socially calibrated, but self-consciousness is not the way to do it. Watching body language and reaction is objective and reliable, whereas self-consciousness is subjective and unreliable. By watching how a person reacts, instead of trying to guess what she’s thinking, you can do a much better job of knowing what is going through her mind.

And most of the time, she’s just enjoying the ride.

This post earlier appeared at growyourgame.com, a great pickup information resource.

For more information about Tenmagnet, his products and upcoming bootcamps, visit www.LoveSystems.com

Inner Game – Turn off the Video Camera

• ROCK SOLID INNER GAME!
• My problem with Paul Janka
• What makes you good.
• How to Overcome Sticking Points.
• This is Our Competition (Warning: Hilarious!)

I’ve been a Lovesystems and Mystery Method Instructor for a long time now, and I’ve seen pretty much all the top guys here at MM when they were really new. Guys like Cajun, Dahunter and Braddock, who I taught and helped bring into the company, all stood out quite early on as guys with a lot of potential.

The main things I saw in all these guys was a real willingness and eagerness to learn, combined with a good, friendly attitude. All of these guys, right off the bat I liked as students. They were the kind of guys that I could have a beer with and chill out with. A lot of community guys aren’t like that.

So, what’s the point of this post? I don’t really have one. But I guess if you want to be a Mystery Method instructor, or if you just want to get good at this game, you need to learn how to game guys. If you can make a dude in a bar be your friend in 20 minutes, you have what it takes to get a girl’s number in the same amount of time.

For more information about Tenmagnet, his products and upcoming bootcamps, visit www.LoveSystems.com

What makes you good.

• ROCK SOLID INNER GAME!
• Dropping Game
• Dealing with Dudes
• Q and A
• Dealing with your buddies.

——-

Neil Strauss mentioned it in his book called “The Game”.
I always thought it wasn’t true, and I would never become one…

But now I am a social robot. I’m obsessed with game tactics, language patterns and body language. In every conversation I have with people, I will look for IOI’s, try to DHV my value and be very aware of my body language. I can’t think about anything else then being alpha, making up DHV stories and new neg’s. I am always analyzing other people, like they aren’t people anymore, but study objects.

And I’m not the only one. For most guys this isn’t a hobby anymore. It’s life. And when game becomes life, it becomes dangerous. You’ll become good at it, but you have to pay a price for that. Especially the pua’s who started playing the game in their teens. They haven’t experienced all the things in life as an AFC… And I think that is very imported.

And that’s why I decided to quit the community. I will live my life like an AFC. Maybe I won’t fuck every girl on campus, but I will be social in a normal way so I can start a family with someone I really love. Not some random HB10 I analyzed and negged, just to get her attracted to me…

Sounds like you’re taking this too far. Good for you for recognizing it, and taking a step back.

I think one of the mistakes that a lot of guys like yourself make is that they treat the stuff we teach as game itself, and not as a training method to improve your game. If you treat it as a training method, then dropping “game” is really just taking the training wheels off your REAL game.

If you’ve done things right while you were in the community, you’re now more outgoing, confident and socially intelligent than you were before. Women and sex are no longer mysterious and intimidating, and you’ve been surprised at least a few times by how *easy* it actually is to hook up sometimes. Don’t forget that – that’s what your training and hard work earned you.

Now, if you go into your everyday life, and choose to drop all the stuff that you used to practice, don’t fall into your old habits. Take advantage of your confidence…. listen to the intuition that your social intelligence gives you, and when a woman is into you, do what comes naturally, and don’t doubt yourself.

You’ll probably be surprised by how well it goes. But when things go well, don’t rush to the conclusion that dropping the community’s advice is the reason you got better, rather, recognize that the community’s advice got you to where you are today, and now you’ve moved past it.

If you like this post, consider subscribing to my feedburner feed, so you can get my new posts in real time as I update them.

Good luck.

For more information about Tenmagnet, his products and upcoming bootcamps, visit www.LoveSystems.com

Dropping Game

• Running out of things to say? Shut up!
• What makes you good.
• Is your bodylanguage right?
• How To Approach Women
• Soul is teaching Day Game in Toronto, Canada

Identity is something I’ve been teaching my students for quite a while, and my students consistently say that it’s one of their favorite parts of the program. I’m going to give away a little bit of what I teach, because I think it’s important enough to share with you guys.

… I can’t believe I’m doing this.

First off, let me explain what Identity is (in a nutshell). Essentially, if your life were a book, your identity would be the cover. It’s the pretty picture on the front, the title, and the little blub on the back that sums up the story and makes you want to read further. And even though we’ve always been told to “not judge a book by it’s cover”, we all know that we all make judgments like that all the time, it’s just human nature.

Hell, I bought the hardcover version of The Game over the paperback explicitly FOR the sweet cover. And I already knew what was inside!

Anyway, to get back on topic, people judge books by their cover, and pigeon-hole people into stereotypes. Establishing an identity means figuring out which stereotypes we want to play into, and which ones we want to avoid. A solid identity can drastically change your game, and help bring all the loose ends together in your game. It means the difference between women thinking you’re odd and thinking you’re the coolest guy she’s met in weeks – it’s all about the cover.

On my programs, we spend a big part of the third day on identity, and finding out an identity for my students that will mesh with their lifestyle, and “bring it all together”. For example, when I give fashion advice, I don’t just tell guys to dress like me, I cater my advice to each person’s individual identity.

For more information about Tenmagnet, his products and upcoming bootcamps, visit www.LoveSystems.com

Identity revelation….

• Identity, part 2
• New Peacocking Gear
• What makes you good.
• How important are looks?
• Direct vs. Indirect