You ought to be excited; you have a date tonight and she’s gorgeous. You got her phone number a few nights ago at the swanky club downtown. At first she seemed intimidating and aloof, but by the end of your conversation she seemed totally into you. You had things in common. She had a good sense of humor. So you called her the next day and made plans to go out tonight.
So now you’re in your apartment, ironing your favorite shirt. You run your hand over your face to make sure you didn’t miss a patch when you shaved a few minutes ago. You can faintly smell last night’s curry wafting in from the kitchen, and you remind yourself to take out the trash.
Your phone buzzes, it’s a text message.
- Hey! I don’t know if I can make it tonight. Maybe some other time?
Ouch! You just got flaked on, and it sucks.
But you shouldn’t worry – flaking is a fact of life for any guy who is putting himself out there and meeting women in everyday life. If you go on more than 5 first dates a year, you’re going to get flaked on once in a while, and knowing how to roll with the punches is something you’ve got to learn.
Why did she flake on me?
There are six main reasons women flake on dates, and the good news is that only one of them means she doesn’t like you.
1) Because she had a bad day, and she wants to be in top form for your date.
As a guy, the more I like a woman, the more excited I’m going to be for a date, and the more likely I’m going to show up, even if I’ve had a bad day. Heck, for some women, I would probably rouse myself from a coma, pull out my feeding tube and fight my way out of the intensive care ward if I thought there was a good chance that the date would go well. But most women don’t feel that way. The more they like you, the more likely they’re actually going to bail on a date because they’re having a bad hair day, or just feeling down.
2) Because she read in Cosmo that you flake on the first plans.
A woman can learn a lot about a man by flaking on the first set of plans. You can find out how confident he is, and if he’s laid back or needy, by the way he reacts. You can also screen for men who actually like you. Especially for particularly beautiful women, who get asked out a lot by random guys, flaking on the first set of plans is probably an easy way to filter out the less confident guys from the more confident ones. Now, I’m not sure if it’s Cosmo that advocates this, or The Rules, or if it’s just a tactic spread by word of mouth, but a lot of women seem to flake on the first date as a strategy.
3) Because it’s that time of the month.
Some women just don’t want to go on dates at certain times of their cycle. This is often the case when a girl flakes and it seems like it’s completely out of the blue.
4) Because her friends want to hang out.
It would be nice if every woman you scheduled a date with liked you enough that she was willing to ditch her friends to hang out with you, but that’s just not the case. Also, it’s different for women than it is for men. As a guy, if I tell my buddies that I’m ditching them for a hot date with a beautiful woman I met at a bar, I’m probably going to get a high-five. But, if a woman says she’s ditching her girls to go on a date with some dude she met at Sleazerston’s Pickup Bar, she might very well get some attitude from her friends.
5) Because she doesn’t feel comfortable yet.
Getting a woman to come out on a date with you is usually a matter of feeling comfortable with you, and feeling like the date won’t be awkward or creepy. In order to make her feel comfortable, sometimes you need to take your time and talk to her and build more comfort, even if the attraction is already high.
6) Because she actually isn’t that into you.
Usually if you have a woman’s number and she’s actually answering the phone and making plans with you in the first place, she is into you. But sometimes that’s not the case. Keep in mind though, this is only ONE of SIX reasons why a woman might be flaking, and it’s not even the most likely one.
So what do you do if a girl flakes?
First, you should treat a casual first date plan as an option, not a priority, so you don’t get too emotionally invested in a date happening at a certain time.
But beyond that, the best way to deal with flaking is to NOT WORRY ABOUT IT. Go on with your life, call your buddies and watch the game, or get some work done. When you talk to her again, let her know that the flake was not a big deal. After all, you’re a busy guy with a lot of stuff to do anyways right? As long as you act relaxed, confident and non-needy, she’s going to actually feel MORE comfortable around you, once you’ve handed this little obstacle properly. If you get needy or whiney or negative in any way, you’re going to KILL attraction and you will probably never get a second chance for a date.
If you liked this post, I have another post entitled “Flaking: Never treat someone like a priority if they treat you like an option”.
Also, check out my friend Nick Hoss’s article on How to Prevent a Flake.
And finally, if you are having real problems with flaking, or relating to women over the phone, Braddock’s Phone and Text Game Book is absolutely the BEST guide for building interest with women over the phone.